Sunday, November 22

A bit of writing to clear my mind

Tonight is one of those nights where i'm totally stressed out for no apparent reason. There are a lot of little things i could blame it on, but i know that there really is no reason. I'm a person that's prone to depression and anxiety so when things get hectic or hard, i tend to either get really depressed or really anxious. And for some reason tonight it has gone to the anxious side.

Whatever the reason, i have finally reached the point in my life where i know how to deal with it. Instead of pushing myself to act as though nothing is wrong until i can't stand it anymore, i am able to admit that i'm feeling anxious. I admit that i can't handle anything more at the moment. I lit a candle; sat down with my computer, some dinner, and a glass of wine; and began to write without thinking about it first.

The past week or so has been stressful. School is busy with the students trying to bring their grades up before the end of the semester, not to mention the art club and student government that i'm trying to keep going. The apartment is messy with things that we're trying to accomplish - addressing Christmas cards, wrapping Christmas presents, keeping track of bills and receipts - and while we try to keep up with it, i'm not good at cleaning. I tend to let things go too long to the point where everything seems to be a mess. I haven't been feeling well, trying to fend off the sicknesses that have been going around. I feel unhealthy because i haven't taken the time to work out for over a week. And the worst part is that i end up taking all of these things out on Andrew because he's the one that's always around and i know that i can do that because he loves me and he'll still love me if i take things out on him. I've been trying to avoid doing that, but the more he tries to help, the more time and space i feel like i need to myself...

Which brings up another point. I've been pulling away from people because i feel that i don't have control of myself and i have to have that before i can deal with other people. So if i've let you down by not talking to you or responding to you, i'm sorry. It'll take me a few more days, probably until Thanksgiving when i can have a few days off to rest and relax, but i'll be back to normal soon.

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