Monday, September 15

So, in all honesty...

...i've been feeling my depression coming back bit by bit and last week made it clear that, despite my best efforts, it's back.

I never realize how bad it is until i'm in the middle of it again. I finally realized that i'm in the middle of it yesterday because it was the first day in about a week where i haven't cried. It sounds bad, and believe me it's not something i want to go back to, but i know i've gotten through it before so i can get through it again.

I think the hardest thing has been having Andy around because he hasn't really been around me before when i've been depressed for long periods of time. He does a wonderful job of helping me, especially when it's hard for him to understand since it's hard for me to explain. I can only begin to imagine how frustrating it has to be to be around me when i can't explain anything more than what i'm feeling without any idea of why i'm feeling that.

At this point it's something that comes and goes. Most of the time i'm fine, but then every once in a while one thing goes wrong and it seems to snowball until it feels like everything goes wrong, even though it's only a feeling, not a reality. It always ends up feeling like a reality.

So why am i writing all of this? Because my biggest problem with my depression has always been that i don't think that the people around me can handle it. I don't think they're going to want to be around me when i deal with this. I don't think they're goign to want to be around me if they know i even deal with this. I end up feeling like it's my fault. Like it's something that i somehow chose, so i have to hide it because i don't want other people to have to deal with what i deal with. It's hard for me to be honest about it and to not feel like i have to hide it. So this is me not hiding it. This is me being honest about it so that i can realize that it's simply something i have to deal with and that no one is going to blame me for having to deal with it. So that's it.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?


Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me


Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

5 comments:

Erika said...

I love you and I love your honest. I just wish I could give you a hug!

Erika said...

and that should say honesty... can you tell it's almost 5 oclock and I still have 8 kids in my room! But really I'm sending you my quota of hugs for the day! (which is a lot because i get them from my kids, and my old kids too!)

randommummy said...

Thanks for sharing with us. I can't imagine how hard it is to fight this battle. *hugs*

Nancy said...

Thanks for being so honest. I'm sending hugs your way! Don't hesitate to call me if you need to talk. Love you!

laughing-star said...

Hey girl, you know I love you and I'm always thinking of you and sending happy thoughts and hugs your way and that you can call me at anytime, especially since really late out there is only kind of late out here.